Why can’t we just eat oreos and get fat?!

Let me start this blog by saying, I am a sarcastic asshole.  I love my coach and his training programming.  If I didn’t, I wouldn’t recommend him as highly as I do; or stayed with him.  But with that, anyone who actually knows me, it is just my nature to not sensor my opinion.  If I don’t like something, you’re going to know.  I spend enough time in my professional life controlling what comes out of my mouth… So, needless to say this is all meant in sarcastic humor.

Week 1… Here we go.
Monday, I received my new training program from my coach (Brandon of Lift Big Eat Big); scanning it over, my first thought was aww fuk, I have to go back to a commercial gym….

My gym does not really have the standard body builder machines.  It’s a powerlifting/strongman gym, why would we need/want/use such things? *laughing*  Well, obviously Brandon thinks differently….especially this damn adductor contraption.

I wont lie, I whined at him in text messages Monday night over that…which I will add is useless, he is not going to budge… 2015-12-14-20.28.58.png.pngOne, I don’t want to use that stupid thing.  Two, I really have ZERO interest in setting foot back in that gym.  Yea, I know a few people who might read this are members there and that’s great because that gym works for them.  However.  95% of the clientele are what all the meatheads make memes about.  No joke. Curling in the squat rack.  Sitting on benches or machines while on their cell phones.  No joke, I once watched a guy carry on a 45 minute conversation while sitting on a bench doing 1 arm curls (with the same arm). Their gym memberships are their social hour and escape from their wives, husbands, girlfriends… or potential meat market for some of the lower levels of life.  Let’s face facts, I would rather go into a Planet Fitness and use their machines than back to this other gym.

So. Day 1.
Front squats. I’ll admit that I was a little bit nervous about these. screenshot_2015-12-20-08-35-07.pngWork up to a 1 rep max. crap Its been a few months like 6 since I’ve done front squats. Plus coming off deload post competition AND being sick. Ok, so I still have a bit of a sinus thing going on and a little bit of a cough left. I was very concerned that I’d only hit working set weight. Nope. BOOM. Thirty pounds heavier! Yep. Pretty damn happy with it.
Then body weight work….ie….fat girl cardio. My coach mayyyy have received a text asking if he was trying to turn me into a middle weight competitor. He didn’t answer me *laughing*

Day 2.
After some family stuff. I had to wrap my head around the days programming. Its simple, I told myself. But anyone who has trained under Brandon will tell you those “simple looking” days equal death. Three lifts. That’s it. Just three.
By the second lift I was feeling it. Ok, it’s just three sets lets go.
Third lift, first set he’s trying to kill me second set oh my god I might die. Third and final I’m just gonna lay here on the floor…. can I get pizza delivered here? I can’t move

Rest day.
I would venture to say this was the worst day trying to crawl out of bed.  Everything from the hips down was in revolt.  My quads refusing to work in just about any fashion and I wasn’t completely sure I wasn’t going to face plant in my kitchen trying to bend over to get the dogs’ food bowls from the floor.  I’m just gonna whimper as I waddle around, and at the end of the day, I’m gonna crawl into an epsom salt bath.

Morning text conversation with my fellow strongWOman…bff? About levels of soreness and getting back into training.  See Brandi and I have the same coach and even before starting up the next cycle, we both agreed we would keep each other motivated and in check.  Whether it meant sending text about lack of motivation, soreness, videos during training to push each other for the last set, or even planning to do implement work together twice a month after the new year -we live about two hours a part, but by the way we talk, text most people in social media land think we live next door to each other. laughing, I wish, that would be so badass

Day 3.
First off, I wake up and I’d be lying if I said I could even fake walking in any form that resembled human, but it is a little better than the day before.  However, I have never been more grateful for the handicap bathroom at my office! So it’s Upper body day and mass cable work.  Pull downs, rows, front raises, reverse grip rows at 100 reps.  I might have whimpered a few times.2015-12-19-19.17.30.png.png

Day 4.
Still not walking right, but at least I can some what fake being human.  Oh goodie! Leg Day 2! Mass machine work this time…20151219_081936.jpg Except I have to go to the globo gym because Brandon wants me to use that wrenched machine. Which, while finishing up my programming, I actually learned it is two separate machines. oops. 

I caught two different guys in their fashionable gym attire doing endless curls and watching me in the mirrors.  News flash gents, mirrors work both ways. But if you thought the 385 on the leg press for mass reps was impressive, hang around for the 315 on barbell calve raises for reps.  No seriously.  Just go away.  Go stare at cardio bunnies.

Then again, after seeing this sign, taped up behind the leg press machine…. sigh.  Signs like this, posted randomly about the gym are a reminder that my kind is not truly welcome in this kind of gym.  It’s not that they want to discourage us from scaring members, but these gym go-ers are content and happy in their state of being.  This is not a place to get stronger or in better shape.  Like so many articles about how Planet Fitness is designed to keep it’s members fat with bagel and pizza day; this place is truly no different, just a different color scheme.  As far as I know they do not do free food.  However, it is an atmosphere designed to discourage true growth.

May, early May was the last time I was in this place as a semi regular because that was when I learned of Unreal Fitness.  People that I use to see on a weekly basis, they look the same.  The weight they are moving is no different than over six months ago.  If my weights were the same, I’d scream.  If I stall on a weight too long I’m lookin for help…what am I doing wrong?  What can I add, change, do differently to increase my numbers?  Not this place.  This place is not designed that way.  This place is designed like stagnate pond water.

Ok.  I’m done. I’ve said my peace….and I know I will be back there again, next week and the week after and so on during this cycle of training.  I promise no more whining, however, I do not promise to ignore and not document some of the Tom Fuckery I witness in there.

Sunday. Rest day 2.  Well, I am no where near walking as badly as I was even yesterday….Brandon, you truly are an evil genius.  Yesterday’s leg day pushed through the extreme soreness -despite the fact my legs wanted to fall off during the training. I might actually be able to be productive instead of laying in bed whimpering like I had all intentions of earlier this week.

I should receive my weekly program in a few hours, I am both nervous and excited to see what kind of torture Brandon comes up with.  I am looking forward to enjoying a Sunday of rest and getting back to it tomorrow.  Looking forward to the soreness.  Looking forward to the mental fight.  Looking forward to all of it…


-Inked Amazon Warrior


Author: boxerjeep

I am a mid 30s pawrent to my babies Reese (boxer) and Grimm (pitbull). A tattooed Army veteran, yogi and strength athlete. My second loves after my pups are tattoos, my Jeep, random music, real books, ancient history, the outdoors and art.

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