un-broken

**I’m not entirely sure about this blog.  It is something I have been rolling around in my head for a bit now.  I figure if I get going on one of my infamous rants, at some point I am going to offend someone…**

A month ago, a facebook acquaintance shared a short blog (here)

If you’re single, and you complain about being single, you’ll normally get some advice about learning to accept yourself before being able to be with a partner. The current model is work on yourself, “improve” yourself, when you’re alone then when you are sufficiently “un-broken” you will be able to attract a mate. To admit that you’re unsatisfied being single is almost like an admission that you’re not ready to be in a relationship; if you’re not “complete” when you’re alone, you’re not worthy of a partner.

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God isn’t that the frustrating truth when talking to your friends who are in relationships.  Or the ever annoying “don’t worry, there’s someone out there for you, you just haven’t found him yet.” Oh just shut up, shut the fuck up.

Now there are thousands of articles, blogs, facebook statues, tweets, memes and word poems about relationships.  I’m not talking love, but relationships; they’re two different things.  You can be madly in love with someone and not want a relationship.  Or still be deeply in love with someone and the relationship has passed.  Heck you can love someone with all your heart and not like them.

At this point, I’ve been single well over a year.  Most of the time I am fine with this, no I’m not just fine with it, actually I really like it, most the time I question the sanity of why others want to be in a relationship that is nothing but turmoil and problems -hey that’s what too many of y’all are constantly posting on facebook, what are the rest of us suppose to think?! That you’re actually happy? I call that settling.

Frankly, I rather enjoy my space, my routine and not having someone else drinking the last of the morning coffee when I’m grumpy and running late.  Not using the last of the hot water in the shower, or leaving a wet towel on the floor or bed. Snoring to such an extent that I cannot even fathom the ability to sleep -which, I snore myself so if you are keeping me awake…the neighbors can hear you too.  Oh god, and dealing with someone else’s family functions when I’m over worked and sleep deprived.  I say each one of these, because well, they happened and not once or twice but to a point I was ready to explode.

Then there are the very few random days I do miss the connection.  I miss the ability to lean on that other person when it’s been a rough day at work.  I miss knowing someone so in depth that all those little things, you already know the trigger signs and know how to get them out of their funk, or they have made up the excuse for you to miss their family function.  So out of sheer curiosity, and the fact it’s been a few years since I last tried, I signed up on a dating website.
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That lasted 36 hours and I deleted it.  Then I seriously questioned my sanity in a moment of weakness.  Between what people portray on social media now a days, the way they talk to each other, and the “what I’m interested in;” yea no, I’m good, I’m staying single.  I’m old fashion in the sense of dating and frankly, I hate what social media has done to the lost art of dating.

I was a child of the 80’s; I fully remember growing up with all the awesome 80’s movies like The Breakfast Club, The Goonies, Pretty in Pink, Sweet Sixteen… and maybe the endless stream of these movies and similar ones that followed in the 90’s, is what set my unbroken and young heart up for failure… I can’t blame Disney, I never really bought all the fairy tail stuff as a kid.  I always thought Ariel (The Little Mermaid) was better off as a mermaid and not chasing some dude -pretty sure I actually said that at 10 or 11 years old too.

Or maybe I can only equal one adult broken heart to the one I suffered at 19.  One.. One guy, in my post divorce life has managed to reduce me to utter tears on my kitchen floor wondering where I go from here.  One guy got inside my heart, not my walls, but my heart.  One guy that I had been so in love with that I did not see my life without him in it.  In fact I remember clearly that day, I sat on my kitchen floor after getting off the phone with him, balling pretty much hysterically.  My dog Reese, was by my side instantaneously, licking my face and crawling his 60 pound puppy ass into my lap.  I had to work mids that night, I had debated on calling in, I didn’t.  Instead, I spent most of my shift hiding in my patrol car and on the phone with my sister from another mister, doing everything I could to keep from crying. Life goes on, you’ll get over this, eventually, I kept telling myself, just one day at a time.   There hasn’t been a guy come even close to that level, since.

…wow… That’s it.  Two heartbreaks.

Sure there have been plenty of let downs and disappointments, times where I’ve felt the void because someone I’ve talked to daily or quiet often is no longer in my life.  But hell, that “void” has been no deeper than the violent end of a friendship.  There was no random burst of crying, waking up in the middle of the night and feeling that pain or the need to keep busy to distract from the pain.  Even my own divorce… I worked my ass off, but that was because I was trying to figure out how to live an adult civilian life without being married, I was in totally new territory there.  In fact I remember fessing up to my mother, over the end of my marriage, that the void I felt was the disappointment and realization of the lie.

I don’t jump from relationship to relationship, I’ve never been that gal.  Hell I wouldn’t know how to.  So, seeing, especially, on facebook both males and females that one day they are dating this person, then suddenly that’s over and next week or maybe next month there is someone new… Or shit, the ones that get married… wait, weren’t you just in a relationship with someone different like less than 6, or was it 4 months ago…. what the hell….

Driving home from work earlier this week, I was randomly listening the the classic rock station (fuck I feel old some days) and a love ballad (yes love ballad you assholes) came on the radio, Aerosmith from the Armageddon movie.  This movie came out right after I had graduated high school…. I was dating, him.  The one who destroyed my heart for the first time.  I was foolish and happy, unbroken, I thought this was it, how it was supposed to be.  Then suddenly the rug was yanked out from underneath me and I was left on my bedroom floor balling my eyes out.

It’s been years.  Once in a while the memories of those relationships surface, I don’t regret either one of them.  Both were good guys, one a boy still growing up, the other in every sense a man.  I still respect both of them and cherish what was because there was a huge cause and effect in my life and without both of them, I wouldn’t be who I am today.  Now I don’t expect every guy I meet to have such a profound effect on my life, but lets face it…if you are not contributing good to my life, douces dude, there’s the door.  But on the same note, those two now phantom figures in my head hold a standard.  How these two guys treated me, at 19 and ten years later… If a guy today can’t match that, then I’m not interested.

However, I often wonder, how that early 19 year old girl would view this world we now live in… The one who existed before her heart was shattered for the first time.  The one who knew Jake from Sweet Sixteen was just a movie, but secretly hoped.

 

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  -Inked Amazon 💋💀

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Author: boxerjeep

I am a mid 30s pawrent to my babies Reese (boxer) and Grimm (pitbull). A tattooed Army veteran, yogi and strength athlete. My second loves after my pups are tattoos, my Jeep, random music, real books, ancient history, the outdoors and art.

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