A record plays
A song that you’ve not heard
It is perfect
It is home
Now everything’s different
It is sweeter
On your tongue
Cause you can see the road ahead in your dream
The engine’s more a sigh than a scream
Your ghosts look more like angels from there
The coast comes like a raft of warm air
This morning I woke up feeling a change, in the air and inside of me. It’s been coming, like the build up on a roller coaster.
But let me back up. Beginning of the year, I took a friend to see my tattoo guy; she needed a cover up, see she had committed the ultimate ink sin. She had tattooed her then husband’s name on her. Now with a looming divorce she wanted it gone. Upon walking out of the parlor, she proudly proclaimed she had her wings back. She had felt like being married to him, he had clipped her wings and grounded her… now she felt like she could fly again. I remember smiling with a chuckle.
Now my turn.
While my marriage had not been violent like her’s had been; mine had been verbal. I had been young and very impressionable and it has truly taken me years to shake it. No I’m not damaged but I’m extremely cautious. To the point it can and has cost me relationships, for fear of ending up in the exact same situation. I lost the love of my life because of this. See, post divorce I was very angry, this beautiful soul of a man tried, God bless him he truly did try. I recently sat down with him and we caught up on life, he is well and happy, and I apologized…. for being so angry and unable to fix myself then. He smiled and said, “I know. I still love you, that will never change.” I had to fight a tear or two, because I know he does, I know I still love him. But we are different people now. He was meant for a specific reason in my life and that reason has happened. I will eternally love him for saving me, even though he doesn’t think he did.
But enough of that. It’s only a part of this….
Two weeks ago, I was running errands, wearing a pair of shorts just above mid thigh. Two years ago, four years ago, six year I would have NEVER worn these. When I was married, I was forbidden to wear anything like this. Heck my ex husband HATED me lifting weights, he even once told me to stop because I was “too bulky,” and that was unattractive. Talk about mentally fucking up a 21 year old girl. So it dawned on me, as I am standing in the middle of Target, people are staring at me…. I have the quads of a strongman/powerlifter and tattoos running down both thighs and I don’t give a damn. I laughed. I laughed at the realization I had finally fifteen years later broken in my head that seed my ex husband planted. I was finally free.
The last five years have been my true healing, I wasn’t ready until then. The past two have seen a lot of inner changes and the past year has been twice the speed. I largely think that getting into strongman has had a huge role in saving me. It has pushed me past social norms, even twice as far as I was before, it has forced me to fight my own weaknesses -physically and mentally, and brought me to new realizations, not just with the weights but within my own life and heart. My physical appearance has changed. My back has “spread,” my quads have grown and I love all of it. I am thirty pounds heavier than what I was when married -but I was a runner. I ran to try and keep the skinny appearance he wanted, what he expected and what I thought I was supposed to be.
Now last night. I went in to see my ink guy. An appointment that had been set up several weeks in advance, even before the realization in Target. Forty-five minutes of readjustment to get the stencil right, then about two and a half hours almost three of actual needle time and I walk out with a beautiful pair of Valkyrie wings on my left shin. In black, blues and my favorite shades of purples. Sitting in my Jeep, looking back at the front door of the tattoo shop, the full lobby of young college students waiting to get new piercings (it’s welcome week for the local university) and I let out a full belly laugh. I had earned my wings back. I was not free to feel like flying… I was, I am flying….
-Inked Amazon Warrior